


The glass around your heart

by definitelythor (yourlionheartx)



Series: Please don't say you love me [4]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Video Blogging & YouTube RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-24
Updated: 2014-03-24
Packaged: 2018-01-16 21:56:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1363165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourlionheartx/pseuds/definitelythor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything comes to the surface a few months after Orlando, while Dan and Phil are in France, because there’s only so much Dan can take. And Phil needs to face up to his feelings</p>
            </blockquote>





	The glass around your heart

They’re in France for some Google fair that once again neither of them can remember the name of. It seems they keep on being flown to different parts of the world without fully understanding why. They probably won’t even get time to visit the beach that they can see out of their window. Dan watches Phil moving their beds apart, walking between the gap like he’s making sure there’s enough space between them. Maybe he thinks Dan is going to roll over and grab his dick in the middle of the night or something.   
   
Phil’s voice seems far away as he asks if Dan wants room service, because the pressure on the flight popped Dan’s ears and it feels like he’s underwater.   
  
"Yeah, sure. I’m fucking starving." Dan takes the menu from Phil, watching as Phil makes himself comfortable on his own bed and picks up the television control. He scrolls through about twelve French channels before finding Cartoon network in English and grinning to himself as the Adventure Time theme starts up. He glances over at Dan, who’s staring straight at him and doesn’t have time to look away.  
  
"Picked something?" Phil asks, and Dan doesn’t miss the tense sound in his voice. He tries not to think of pancakes in Orlando, and how everything was really okay before he started to question it and fucked it up.   
  
They agreed to stop while they were in Orlando, obviously not by talking about it, but the decision had been made. And it would be okay if everything didn’t feel so messed up now. Phil is meant to be Dan’s best friend. They aren’t meant to have awkward silences and snappy arguments. Dan passes the menu back to Phil when he realises he’s really not hungry. He only wanted to order room service so they could sit on the floor and share a pizza and maybe rent a movie. In Jamaica they had also ordered chips and onion rings and the mayonaisse had come in little jars. They had eaten until they felt sick and then they watched some horror film that Phil had loudly talked over, so they missed the plot completely.   
  
"I’m just going to have a shower and go to sleep actually," Dan says, his eyes moving back to the TV. He feels Phil’s eyes stay on him.  
  
Phil lips are pressed together as he watches Dan, still holding the menu in one hand like he’s forgotten it’s there. “I could join you?”   
  
Dan wants to listen to the voice in his head that’s telling him to just say yes, just keep doing this, you’re on holiday, who fucking cares? But he shakes his head and leaves the room as quickly as he can, feeling Phil’s eyes on him.   
  
**  
  
Dan remembers their first holiday together, the double bed they booked for the apartment in Blackpool. For the first time they could stretch out and have as much room as they wanted, but they might as well have been back in Phil’s single because they spent every night curled around each other without a space of skin between them.  
  
And he remembers that stupid crane game, and how Phil wasted nearly five pounds in change trying to win Dan something, and the look on his face when the claw finally grabbed a toy. Phil had passed it to Dan with a smile so huge that Dan had to laugh, hugging the toy to his chest, feeling like a character straight out of a coming of age rom-com movie, kidding himself that they were any other couple, and not just fucking around with each other until Phil found someone better.  
  
When Dan gets out of the shower he changes into jeans and an old t shirt. He finds that Phil has gone ahead and ordered room service for himself. The smell of pizza makes Dan feel nauseas. There’s wine too, a bottle of red and two glasses, and Phil never willingly chooses red wine so Dan knows straight away that he wants them to share the bottle.   
  
Phil looks at Dan for a moment, taking in his wet eyes and red cheeks. “Have you been crying?” he asks.   
  
"Shut up." Dan scrubs at his eyes, and Phil swallows before glancing around the room, like he’s looking for a way to change the subject.   
  
Dan takes a deep breath and Phil listens to it shake. “I’m going to move out. When we get back, I’m going to start looking for a place to stay. A studio flat or something, maybe closer to the BBC,” Dan says quietly, not looking up as he picks at a thread coming lose on the hem of his t shirt. He can feel Phil watching him as he pulls on the thread, twirling it around his index finger until the tip begins to go white.   
  
"But I thought we were re-newing the lease on our apartment?"  
  
"Yeah, well, you can go ahead with that. I changed my mind. I just don’t think we should live together anymore."  
  
"Why?"  
  
Dan yanks at the thread and pulls it clean away from his t shirt, tearing the material a little. “Because I’m in love with you.”  
  
Dan hears the intake of breath and can imagine Phil’s expression, but he still doesn’t look up. He has that tight feeling in his chest, tears stinging his eyes as he tries to blink them away without Phil noticing.   
  
"Don’t say that," Phil says. "Don’t - you don’t have to leave, we’ll work this out. We always work out, right? Nothing has to change."  
  
Dan bites on his lip, looking up at Phil. Phil stares back, eyes wide and sad, and Dan can’t keep looking at him because it hurts. He glances down at his feet on the wooden floor and hears the hitch in Phil’s breath. Dan thinks maybe they’re going to finally talk about everything, and the thought of that makes him just as terrified as it does relieved.   
  
Phil opens and closes his mouth. Dan only has to look at him to know he’s not even slightly ready for this conversation. One of the worst things about knowing someone this well is being able to tell exactly what they’re thinking all the fucking time. Dan takes another breath, knowing he needs to tell Phil what he knows, even if it’s going to make Phil shut off completely.  
  
"I bumped into Craig the other day at the shop," Dan says. He keeps his eyes fixed on Phil, watching the way his eyes widen a little. "I was getting us some basics you know? Toilet roll and milk, and I bumped into him on the cereal aisle. We had a very interesting and enlightening conversation."  
  
” _Dan_ ,” Phil starts.   
  
"It’s funny how I used to have to listen to you fucking him, and you used to tell me about all your dates and the presents he got you. And you weren’t even fucking dating him. Why did you lie to me?" Dan’s voice gets louder.  
  
Phil winces a little before clearing his throat. “I didn’t want to tell you that I wanted to stop - I didn’t want to hurt you.”  
  
Dan huffs out a dry sounding laugh, rolling his eyes and looking up at the ceiling. “Oh wow, Phil. Seriously? You broke my fucking heart.”  
  
Phil can almost remember the look on Dan’s face, the way he had frozen up and paled. He always knew, of course he did, that Dan loved him, but not like that, he was too young to love like that. “I’m sorry. Just - Jesus Christ, _please_ don’t move out. I swear we can - “  
  
"I’m not going to stop loving you though."  
  
"I’m not the only one who lied then," Phil says with a small, sad smile. Dan opens his mouth to argue, because that lie had pretty much been forced upon him. He was lying in Phil’s arms and Phil was asking him, and how the hell was Dan meant to have handled that?   
  
"The difference is, Phil - you always knew I loved you. You knew it before we starting sleeping together, you knew it the whole time and you expected to get off a few times and never face any consequences." Dan takes a breath, feeling surprised and kind of impressed at himself for not stumbling over his words. He sounds like this whole conversation isn’t making him want to throw up, like his heart isn’t beating so hard that the blood rushing in his ears is making it hard for him to even think straight.   
  
"It wasn’t - you make it sound like I was just using you for sex," Phil says.   
  
"Weren’t you?"  
  
Phil shakes his head, his eyes wide. “No, Dan. You’re my best friend. I really care about you. The only reason I stopped was because I cared about you and I didn’t want to mess you up.”  
  
"And you carried it on because you’re a selfish piece of shit," Dan mutters.   
  
Phil opens his mouth, but then presses his lips together and looks down at his floor because he can’t actually argue with that. All he’s ever done in this relationship has been for his own needs, finishing it because he was scared and then carrying it on because he was lonely.   
  
"I’m going to sleep," Dan says, as calmly as he can manage.   
  
He doesn’t even bother changing or stripping down to his boxers, he just gets under the covers, pulling them right over his head and squeezing his eyes shut against the light in the room. After a few minutes the black behind his eyelids gets a little darker, and he opens his eyes to find that Phil’s switched off the light.   
  
Then he hears the door slam shut.   
  
When they went back to being just friends, without the benefits, Dan had found the whole thing near impossible. He wasn’t living with Phil back then, although really he might as well have been. He hated university so fucking much, hated his accommodation and the people who lived on his corridor, hated the subject and the teachers, and Phil was always there for him when he needed to talk about it.   
  
Well, when he wasn’t with his fake boyfriend trying to push Dan away. Sometimes, when it was just Dan and Phil, Dan could forget anyone else in the world existed. He kept telling himself that they were still friends, and everything was okay, and it really was, but Dan kept on finding himself reaching out for Phil or going to kiss him goodbye before he remembered and had to pull back again. And Dan kept telling himself, his stupid childish self, that one day they’d end up together, because that’s how it’s meant to work. He couldn’t picture being with anyone else, he only wanted Phil, and there’s a huge part of Dan that still hasn’t grown the fuck up and got a grip on reality.   
  
The more Dan thinks about it now, the angrier he feels, because if they had just spoken about it instead of pretending everything was normal between them, then they wouldn’t be here. He should have just said no when Phil tried to end it, he should have said no when Phil came into his bedroom a few months ago because he couldn’t sleep. Dan hates himself for not having the strength to stop it before it started again. He just went along with everything Phil said, because he trusted him, he still does, and that just annoys him more.   
  
He rolls over in bed and looks up at the ceiling, trying to see all of this from Phil’s point of view. Phil says he cared, he cared so much that he broke it off so they didn’t mess up their friendship. He did the one thing he thought he could do to save what they had, and really that decision must have been so difficult. And part of Dan wants to keep sulking up here and blaming Phil and blaming himself, and hating everything, but the silence in the room, the lack of Phil’s steady breaths meeting his ears, make him want to scream. He pushes back his covers and gets out of bed, switching the light back on and finding his shoes.   
  
Out in the hotel lobby, there’s still a guy on the desk, looking tired and bored, flicking through a magazine. He glances up at Dan, looking confused as Dan walks out to the pool. Dan hears the splashes of water, and when he gets closer he can see Phil swimming, lap after lap, turning each time he hits the wall and starting again.   
  
Dan just watches him, his eyes moving to the pile of Phil’s clothes and his shoes, back to Phil swimming, and Phil keeps going until he has to stop to breathe. Then he lifts his blue eyes to meet Dan’s. There’s just enough light that Dan can see Phil’s been crying, and his chest tightens at the sight. They just watch each other for a moment. Dan only breaks the contact to kick off his shoes and sit on the side of the pool. He looks at the water for a moment, listening to the little hiccoughs in Phil’s breathing and his sniffs.  
  
"How did you know I’d be here?" Phil asks.   
  
"In Jamaica you said ‘swimming calms you down and clears your head’, so - I don’t know, I used my brain."  
  
"You remember that?"  
  
"Of course I do." Dan doesn’t look at Phil. He catches his reflection in the water and then leans back on his hands to look up at the sky.   
  
"I was so scared of ruining everything," Phil says, his voice cracking a little. He watches Dan, who’s still staring up at the sky, his eyes tracing the constellations and trying to find the ones he remembers his dad showing him when he was a kid.   
  
After a moment, Dan stands up and pulls his t shirt over his head before getting his jeans off. He takes a step back and then dives into the water, splashing Phil, and swimming down to touch the floor.   
  
He opens his eyes against the sting of chlorine and runs his fingertips over the tiles before going back up to the surface to take a mouthful of air. Phil is watching him, leaning against the wall with the knuckles of his closed fist covering his mouth as he tries to hold back tears. Dan flicks his hair from his eyes and watches the different flickers of blue and the shadows falling over Phil’s face.   
  
“I think if we had actually talked about this every now and then, we wouldn’t have fucked it up so momentously,” Dan says.   
  
"Dan," Phil whispers. It sounds like he might carry on, say something else, maybe say what Dan’s been waiting for far too long to hear, but then his breath catches again and he presses his palms to his eyes.   
  
Dan doesn’t want to see him cry, he can’t stand the thought. He’s never, in the whole time they’ve known each other, seen Phil actually let any negatives emotions out onto the surface, other than maybe mild irritation. Dan will cry when he’s sad, and scream when he’s angry, but Phil will wait until he’s locked in his own room or under the spray of the shower, and Dan will pretend he can’t hear him.   
  
"Don’t," Dan says quietly. "Jesus, Phil, please don’t cry."  
  
"I’m not crying," Phil says, his voice firm.  
  
Phil presses his lips together tightly to hide his trembling bottom lip. He lifts his eyes to look at Dan, blinking hard.  
  
"Sure you’re not," Dan says, rolling his eyes.   
  
"I can’t. It dislodges my contact lenses," Phil says with a small smile. He blinks again and lifts his ring finger up to his eye to try and fix his contacts. “I’m just tired, and I swallowed a lot of water.”  
  
Dan doesn’t point out that that makes no sense. He stares for a moment and then swims over to where Phil is and places his hands either side of Phil’s body on the sides of the pool. Phil reaches out to brush Dan’s hair from his eyes, moving to cup his jaw in his hand and Dan closes his eyes, leaning into the touch.   
  
Dan’s leg touches Phil’s under water as he keeps kicking to stay afloat, and then he feels Phil’s breath on his lips and opens his eyes to see Phil staring at him.   
  
"We can’t just - " Dan starts, but he’s cut off by Phil’s lips on his. He tilts his head and leans into the kiss, pushing against Phil’s mouth and moving his hands to grip Phil’s hair. Phil makes a little sound in his throat and presses closer still, feeling Dan licking at his bottom lip and opening his mouth. Dan’s fingers dig into his hips, sliding around to press the small of his back, moving his hips to push against Phil’s. Phil presses flush against him and sucks at his bottom lip before pulling away.   
  
Dan lets out a shaky breath. “Seriously, fuck you,” he whispers before pushing him against the wall of the pool and kissing him again, feeling Phil open his mouth and cup the back of his neck, his fingers sliding through Dan’s wet hair. Phil ducks his mouth to Dan’s jaw, pressing his lips over the skin.  
  
“I’m going all wrinkly like an old man.” Phil mutters against Dan’s cheek. He runs his hand over Dan’s face so Dan can feel the pads of his fingers, wrinkled by the amount of time he’s spent in the pool already, and Dan grimaces.   
  
"Get your old man hands off me," he mutters, ducking away from him and swimming up to the side of the pool. He lifts himself out of the pool, and Phil watches as the water rolls over his shoulders and his back. "And stop staring at my ass."  
  
Phil lets out a small laugh and hoists himself out of the pool to get his clothes back on over his wet boxers.  
  
Somewhere along the way there’s been this unspoken invitation, that Phil’s pretty certain he’s read correctly. He watches Dan, whose hair is starting to curl a little at the ends, as he buttons his jeans up. Phil walks over to him and reaches to grab the back of his neck, fingers in his hair as he draws him forward for an open mouthed kiss and Dan moans, a little out of surprise at first. He reaches his own hands to grip the back of Phil’s shirt, and that’s when they hear somebody clearing their throat. Phil moves away from Dan so quickly that he almost stumbles and Dan thinks about how funny it would be if he fell backwards into the pool.  
  
The hotel’s receptionist is peering at them both over his glasses and he makes a tutting noise. “The pool is closed from nine in the evening to seven in the morning. It’s especially closed to people like _you_ ,” he says, narrowing his eyes.   
  
Dan’s about to get affronted, because by ‘people like you’ does he mean guys who like guys or guys who are likely to have sex with guys in swimming pools, but before he can open his mouth, Phil’s grabbing his arm and tugging him back into the hotel.  
  
“Sorry. We didn’t realise,” Phil says as they walk past the very clear red and white sign that states the times the pool is open.   
  
“Don’t get us kicked out of our hotel, Dan.” Phil lets go of Dan’s arm in the lobby and walks over to the lift, pressing the button a few times. He turns to see Dan watching him. “What?”  
  
“Nothing,” Dan says.  
  
Dan tries to keep his breathing steady in the lift, as he remembers Orlando and the night of Tyler Oakley’s birthday party, when afterwards him and Phil had fucked until the sun started to break through the curtains in their hotel room. And Dan had said, as they were both falling asleep, _we’re not doing this anymore, Phil. We either make this into something more than sex or we go back to just friends_. Phil hadn’t answered him, Dan thought maybe he was already asleep, but then the next day he caught Phil watching him and he could tell that he had heard it, and he’d made his decision.   
  
When they get to their room, Phil steps towards Dan. He doesn’t make any movement to grab Dan or push him back onto the bed. He doesn’t mutter anything dirty under his breath or start pulling his t shirt off. He just stands there, like he’s waiting.   
  
“Do you want this?” he asks quietly. Dan steps forward and ducks a little to press his lips to Phil’s, moving to slide his fingers under the hem of Phil’s t shirt and ease the material up until Phil lift his arms and pulls it over his head. Phil’s fingers find Dan’s hair then, tilting his head as he kisses him harder, pressing himself closer to Dan.   
  
“I want you,” Dan breathes. He shakes his head and moves to kiss Phil’s jaw, leaving a trail of kisses over his neck. “I just want my hands on you, and I want, fuck it, I just - ” Dan lets out a frustrated growl and presses Phil back against the closed door with a thump.  
  
Phil gets his fingers on the hem on Dan’s t shirt and pulls it over his head, and then Dan attaches their lips again. He reaches for the zip on Phil’s jeans and gets them undone moving his hand to palm Phil through his boxers as his jeans fall away and he steps out of them. Phil moans when Dan gets his hand under his boxers, fitting his fingers around shape of him.   
  
Dan knows that usually, by now, Phil would have thrown him back onto the bed and straddled his hips, but Phil’s letting Dan take control right now and Dan shivers a little when he feels Phil’s fingers in his hair, tugging him closer and pressing their bodies flush.   
  
“Get on the bed,” Dan whispers. Phil moves them both forward and then breaks their kiss to lie down against the sheets, watching as Dan climbs over him. Dan leans down and moves to grab hold of Phil’s wrists, lifting them above Phil’s head, and pinning them down to the bed as he presses his lips to Phil’s neck.   
  
“Have you got – um, lube and stuff?” Phil asks breathlessly.   
  
Dan reaches Phil’s collar bone with his lips and his tongue. “Yeah.”  
  
“Really?”  
  
“Not for your benefit, I could have hooked up with anyone here. Someone taught me how to deep throat cock when I was eighteen years old.”  
  
Phil lets out a shocked laugh and then grins, managing to get his arms free and reaching one hand to get the flies of Dan’s jeans undone. Dan laughs too and moves to roll onto his back, wiggling out of his jeans and then leaning down to try and grab his bag off of the floor. Phil watches him reaching out and hooking his finger around the strap, dragging it towards him, and lifting it onto the bed.   
  
“You’re staring at my ass again,” Dan says.   
  
“Yeah,” Phil admits.   
  
Dan glances over his shoulder, raising his eyebrows. He rolls the bottle of lube across the bed to Phil, who catches it. Then Dan lies back down and pulls his boxers over his hips, kicking them away. Phil turns to face him and then shuffles down the bed and moves to lick a stripe over the length of Dan’s cock, listening to Dan choke out a surprised moan.  
  
“Oh fuck,”  he breathes out, and Phil smiles when he feels Dan’s light fingers in his hair, twirling strands in his fingers as Phil sucks the head into his mouth and then takes Dan fully. He hollows his cheeks and closes his eyes, feeling Dan’s cock slide past his throat and swallowing around him.   
  
He can feel Dan’s hand on his jaw now, fingers stroking over his skin and feeling himself in Phil’s mouth. Then Phil starts bobbing his head and Dan gasps and whimpers Phil’s name. Phil glances up through his lashes, and for a moment he sees Dan three years ago, with his hair fanned out on the pillow in curls and that nervous look on his face. He pulls off and wipes his mouth, blinking up at Dan, listening to his ragged breaths.  
  
Phil gets some of the lube out onto his hand and then rubs his finger over Dan, so Dan lifts his hips and presses back. Dan makes a noise in his throat that encourages Phil to press his finger inside of him. He curls his finger, watching Dan fist the sheets, feeling him rolling his hips back to meet his hand as he adds his second finger, fucking into him faster. He moves to place a kiss to Dan’s hip, feeling Dan twist his hand tighter in Phil’s hair as he licks over the curve of his hipbone.   
  
“ _Phil_ ,” Dan whines, and Phil fits in a third finger, wanting to hear Dan say his name like that again, dragging out the syllables. He pushes Dan’s thighs a little further apart and crooks his fingers, moving them just right to make Dan huff out a breath and arch his back. At the same time, Phil reaches his other hand to rub his thumb over the head of Dan’s cock and Dan moans quietly.   
  
“I’m good, I’m – _come on_ , Phil,” Dan says, pushing his hips back and gasping when Phil brushes over that spot again. “Fuck,” Dan hisses. He reaches to grab Phil’s and still his movement. When Phil pulls away his fingers, he moves to get his boxers off and then Dan takes the opportunity to push him down onto his back and straddle his hips. He leans down to kiss Phil’s neck, pressing his nose against his skin.   
  
Phil’s hand curls in Dan’s hair as Dan drags his lips over Phil’s collar and nips at his skin. He glances up and grabs the lube before focusing on Phil’s neck again, licking over his adams apple.   
  
Phil watches as Dan moves to sit, reaching behind him to get the lube out onto Phil. He lifts himself up, his hands splayed out on Phil’s chest to keep him steady, and he rubs himself against the head of Phil’s cock, smiling when Phil’s fingers tighten where he’s holding his hips.   
  
“ _Don’t_ ,” Phil moans, lifting his own hips a little and pouting.   
  
Dan bites his bottom lip between his teeth and gets his hand wrapped around Phil, guiding him in and lowering himself. Phil stays watching him, his lips parted and eyes dark and hooded. He lets out a shaky breath when Dan sinks down all the way.    
  
“Jesus,” Dan mutters. He shifts a little, adjusting, before he rocks his hips. Then he lifts himself half way off and pushes back down, his eyes fluttering closed. Phil moves his hand to get hold of Dan’s cock, still staring up at him, trying to figure out when he missed that eighteen year old turn twenty two and stop blindly following Phil into everything without asking questions.  
  
Dan keeps moving, letting out these soft little whimpering noises as he lifts himself up and down and Phil rocks his hips to meet him each time. Phil moves to sit up and draw Dan close to him to kiss him.   
  
He wants to say what he’s wanted to say since the first time he pressed his lips against Dan’s. He wants to scream it out until he’s choking and his voice has run out. Dan lets out a little moan, his hand clenching into a fist where it rests on Phil’s chest, and he kisses Phil again as Phil speeds up the uncoordinated strokes on Dan’s cock.   
  
When Dan breaks the kiss he gasps and Phil runs his hands through his hair, moving it from his forehead. He runs his thumb over Dan’s swollen, soft lips, and Dan watches him with hooded lids, breathing out shakily. He rocks back onto Phil harder, and Phil leans forward to bite at Dan’s neck, breathing heavily against his skin and then groaning when Dan clenches around him. Dan arches his neck and Phil drags his hand over him as his body tenses up and he comes over Phil’s fist and his stomach. He keeps moving, fucking himself through his orgasm. He draws Phil close to him, pressing their lips together in a messy, open mouthed kiss, and soon Phil’s coming too. He pulls back to pant against Dan’s lips.    
  
Dan lifts himself off of Phil winching a little and then moving to lie next to him. Phil moves to kiss him again, cupping his cheek and then resting his forehead against Dan’s. Dan reaches to tangle their fingers, feeling Phil’s thumb move to the back of his hand.  
  
“We can just stay here,” Phil says. “We can stay here forever, just kissing and being with each other.”  
  
“No we can’t,” Dan whispers.   
  
They lie in silence for a moment, waiting for the pace of their hearts to return to a normal speed. Dan waits, watching Phil to see if he’s going to come out with it, just say what Dan wants and _needs_ to hear right now.   
  
But Phil stays quiet. He can feel Dan watching him, and he rolls onto his side to face him, looking at him with wide blue eyes that make Dan want to scream.

“Good night,” Phil says finally.  He moves to press a kiss to Dan’s lips but Dan turns his head so it lands on his cheek.

Dan remembers tracing the freckles on Phil’s skin in Jamaica, lying out on the beach, wondering why they ever had to move from the position they were in. He traced over Phil’s stomach and hips, up over his arms, and moved to press his lips over the dots. His mum always told him freckles were kisses from the sun, and Dan remembers telling Phil this and laughing because Phil’s got freckles on his inner thighs and Dan’s pretty sure the sun has never been able to leave any marks there. Dan left bite marks over Phil’s hips and bruises on his chest that night, because he didn’t want to share Phil with anyone, not even the sun.

He still doesn’t want to share.

**

When Dan stirs, he can already tell Phil’s not next to him. He opens his eyes and sees him sitting on his bed, lacing up his trainers.   
  
"Don’t go,” Dan says quietly. Phil turns to stare at him, watching as Dan rolls over and looks at him properly. "Don’t fuck off and then pretend this never happened. _Please_ don’t do that again.”  
  
Phil looks like he’s in physical pain for a moment as he keeps his eyes locked on Dan’s and opens and closes his mouth. Then he just shakes his head and Dan bites on his lip, moving to sit up, dragging the covers up with him.   
  
"I’m going for a walk," Phil says. He looks down for a moment, his thumb and index finger pressing against his closed eyes to hold back the sting of tears.   
  
"It’s like six am," Dan says.  
  
"I know.”  
  
"Where are you even going at six in the morning?" Dan asks. "Please, just _don’t_. Just get back into fucking bed.” He tries to keep his voice calm, because he doesn’t want to shout. He doesn’t even want to argue. But he’s tired and pissed off, and he feels like he’s about to just lose it.  
  
Phil shakes his head again, and Dan’s suddenly angry, because this isn’t fucking fair, none of this is fair, and he’s sick of it. Phil turns away and reaches to turn the handle, and Dan watches as his hand hesitates in mid-air.  
  
“I swear to god, Phil, if you walk out of that door don’t fucking bother coming back.”  
  
Phil turns then and takes a step back towards Dan. “It’s not my fault you fell in love with me,” he snaps. He looks like he regrets it as soon as it’s been said, covering his mouth with his hand like the words just fell out without running it past his brain first.   
  
Dan breathes out a sarcastic laugh, shaking his head. “Yeah, Phil. Obviously one day I woke up and said to myself, you know what would make my life one hundred times easier? Falling in love with my best friend. What a fucking fantastic idea. _Fuck you_.”  
  
"We were only messing around, Dan. Just friends having a bit of fun, that’s all it ever was.” Phil sounds desperate, and Dan has to wonder who he’s really trying to convince.   
  
“I’m not a fucking kid any more, Phil. I’m not going to just go along with everything you say because we’re best friends. If someone told me four years ago, when we started talking, that it was going to end like this, I wouldn’t have fucking bothered.”   
  
Phil doesn’t say anything for a moment. Then he takes a few more steps, climbing onto the bed and pulling Dan forward into a bruising kiss, no finesse behind it at all. It’s the kind of kiss that doesn’t even feel like a kiss; in fact it feels more like Phil’s version of a punch in the face. “You don’t mean that,” Phil says.   
  
Dan pulls back to look Phil in the eyes. “This whole thing, Phil, all of this, it _fucking_ hurts. A lot of the time I wish we’d just never met.” Dan says. He hears his voice catch. And he doesn’t mean any of it, he just wants Phil to feel what he’s feeling. He wants to lash out and hurt him back.   
  
Phil blinks at him, eyes wide and Dan swears he can see the barriers going up, the way his eyes flash icy blue and he gets back to his feet, standing and straightening his t shirt. Dan watches as he runs a hand through his hair, shaking his head again like he’s unable to do anything else. When Dan closes his eyes, he listens to Phil’s footsteps move towards the door and the door slam shut, and then Dan finally lets out the shaky breath he’s been holding in and feels tears blur his vision.   
  
He presses his fingers to the bruise on his neck, feeling the ache and remembering how long some of Phil’s last marks took to fade, the hickey on his neck that was still there when Phil introduced Dan to his ‘boyfriend’ for the first time. He’d had these little bite marks on his inner thighs and hips and when they began to fade he had felt like he was losing Phil. It had hurt so much, and Dan has just let Phil do it all over again.   
  
**  
  
Phil doesn’t come back to the hotel. Dan ends up showering and then walking down to the beach, keeping his eyes on the floor to avoid people seeing him or trying to talk to him. He watches his feet making footprints in the sand, and stares out at the boats in the sea, that look like they’re floating in mid-air.   
  
When he gets back to the room, Phil’s in the shower. Dan can hear the water running, not quite loud enough to drown out Phil’s choked breaths. As he listens, Dan rests his forehead against the door of the bathroom, closing his eyes and letting out a sigh.   
  
“Phil,” he calls out.   
  
He hears Phil suck in a breath and then cough, clearing his throat. “I’ll be out in five seconds,” he says back.   
  
There’s a part of Dan that’s still really angry at Phil, but he mostly just wants him to be okay. He starts picking at the paint on the door that’s peeling off, and he pulls a strip of it away. “I didn’t mean it,” he says. “All that shit about wishing we never met – I mean, wow, I don’t know what I’d do without you.”  
  
Phil turns off the shower, wrapping his towel around his waist and taking a step towards the door. “Yeah, I know. You were angry. I get it,” he says quietly.   
  
“Honestly, even all the bad bits are fine by me. You know? I’d do them all again, probably. I – being friends with you has been the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I sound so sappy, oh my god.”  
  
Phil laughs. He leans against the door and focuses on the sound of Dan tapping his knuckles against the other side of it. Usually Dan’s tapping drives him mad, but right now he’s finding it kind of comforting.   
  
“You’ve got to stop running away though, Phil,” Dan says.   
  
“Do you want to rent a film? Maybe get some pizza and fall asleep together?” Phil’s voice is thick with tears, and then he clears his throat again and Dan hears him swear.   
  
“Okay. We can do that. Open the door?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Why? I don’t care that you’ve been crying. I mean, I _care_. Obviously. But you don’t have to be – embarrassed or anything. You’ve seen me cry plenty of times. I bet I look terrible, all blotchy with my face screwed up –”  
  
Phil opens the door and Dan almost falls on top of him. He stands up straight and smiles at Phil, who tries not to laugh at the slightly surprised look on his face. He sniffs, wiping his hand over his eyes and then he starts towards his suitcase to find something to wear.   
  
“You never look terrible,” Phil says quietly, pulling out a t shirt, jeans and boxers. Dan swallows and looks away. He finds a magazine on their desk, buried under hair straighteners and hair and shaving products, and he flicks through to find the films they have to choose from.  
  
“I bet you get one manly, solitary tear rolling down your cheek, Phil. You’re probably one of those really annoying pretty criers.”  
  
“Nah, I get snot and tears all over my face, not at all attractive.” Phil’s lips lift into a small smile, and Dan breathes out a laugh, turning to watch as Phil dries his hair with his towel, his shirt still on the bed. He drops the towel and lifts his hand to fix his hair, not really caring much if it’s a mess because it’s Dan and he’s always going to be comfortable around Dan, even when the airs thick with tension.   
  
Phil watches as Dan flicks through the magazine in his hands, and he wonders if it’s possible to get over him, to just stop being with him for good and then stay friends. He’s always going to be there, they work together, and they’re pretty much a double act even though Dan doesn’t want them to be. Phil thinks it’s not likely to happen, not when he can literally reach out and grab Dan and pull him forwards for a kiss at any time. It’s either forward or back, and Phil can’t imagine Dan sticking around if Phil tries stepping back any further.   
  
“Wow, stare at me some more, Phil, that’s not at all uncomfortable,” Dan mutters.   
  
“Sorry.”  
  
“It’s okay – do you wanna pick a film? And I’ll give room service a call – ”  
  
“I mean, like sorry for everything. Sorry for leading you on when we met, and for lying to you about having a boyfriend, and for dragging that lie on. Sorry for starting this all over again when I knew it would hurt you and sorry for not telling you – ” Phil stops and swallows, biting down on his lip.   
  
Dan’s staring at him. “Don’t you dare stop there,” he says.  
  
Phil smiles. “I’ve loved you since I first met you and I should have told you then.”  
  
“You have no idea how much I want to punch you in the face right now.”  
  
“Okay – please don’t,” Phil says slowly. He pulls a face and takes step backwards. Then Dan crosses the room and pulls him forward into a hard kiss.   
  
“You wanker, you absolute twat, son of a bitch, fucking fuckwit,” Dan mutters against Phil’s lips. Phil breaks the kiss and stares at him, raising his eyebrows like he’s waiting for something.  
  
“I had to wait three fucking years, I’m not saying it back yet,” Dan says.   
  
Phil lets out another loud laugh. He moves to wrap his arms around Dan and pull him close, sliding his hands under his t shirt to run his fingers over his back. Dan press his face against Phil’s neck and closes his eyes, feeling Phil’s hands on his skin and his heart beating.   
  
“I know we need to work stuff out still, and I get it if you don’t trust me – but I want to be your boyfriend.”  
  
“Wanker,” Dan mumbles again, halfheartedly. Phil can feel him smile.   
  
“I love you,” Phil says again, and he means it. He runs his hands over Dan’s back, like he wants to feel all of him, and he does. And he _can_. And no matter what happened and what happens, they’re still here and holding onto each other, and Phil knows that’s never really going to change.   
  
Dan kisses him again, pressing himself against Phil and cupping his face, and it’s not like their first kiss, when they were both nervous and unsure. It’s not really like any kiss they’ve ever shared, because this feels real. It’s the first time that Dan’s kissed Phil and known that it won’t be the last time. He can’t stop smiling against Phil’s lips. He remembers nudging Phil’s knee with his own and asking him about soul mates, and he always knew they were made to fit together.


End file.
